


every step of the way

by hanjingyi (notbadbrat)



Series: writober2018 [12]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M, TRIGGER WARNING: mention of depression, Writober 2018
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-04
Updated: 2018-12-04
Packaged: 2019-09-07 13:13:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 671
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16854613
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notbadbrat/pseuds/hanjingyi
Summary: Sudden moments of silence, distant gazes, empty eyes -he knew how to recognize to signals, by now. Noticing them made Levi become silent and attentive, careful with his words and his actions, perched up on a thin line and staring into the void.





	every step of the way

**Author's Note:**

> Angst (blue list) for #22 Writober 2018

He knew how perfectly they belonged to each other.

There were times where they would just sit in a companionable silence, too lost in their respective occupation to even glance up from notes or documents but enjoying the other’s presence with a secretive pleasure locked up in their hearts, looking up occasionally and feeling the corner of their lips turn up bashfully. It was either at Levi’s apartment or seldom at Eren’s dorm room -especially when the boy had too much stuff to study and could make the bus drive over to his place.

They would eat together, calmly recalling their days and sharing bad and good things like any other couple, bickering and commenting with sharp jokes and rolling eyes, basking in the warmth of their lives together.

It was peaceful, and it was perfect they were called  _good days_ for a reason.

When Eren was like himself, everything was great.

Sudden moments of silence, distant gazes, empty eyes -he knew how to recognize to signals, by now. Noticing them made Levi become silent and attentive, careful with his words and his actions, perched up on a thin line and staring into the void.

It wasn’t like those were simple mood shifts. It took months to really note that something was wrong -that Eren withdrawing in his head was more than a whim, more than a sign indicating he was going through a period, something  _deeper_. It took months to understand that -a couple of panicked and unreasonable break-ups, many shouting matches and heartfelt monologues from Levi’s part before he went to the bottom of the whole matter.

Those were the  _bad days_ , when he would walk on eggshells and try not to provoke his boyfriend in any way, keeping his distance and approaching him only when he sensed Eren’s eyes on him or him snapping out of his inner chaotic mind, reaching for Levi’s perfect, heartwarming support.

God, it was so frustrating. He loved Eren from the bottom of his heart, his protectiveness wanting to make whatever battle he was fighting in his mind his own, _fighting beside him_ , squeezing his hand when he saw the lost, vitreous gaze in those turquoise irises, hugging him tightly when he heard him crying silently against the pillow thinking Levi was asleep -and those, those were the worse, when he had to bit his lips so hard to cause him physical pain and ignore his aching soul, the impotent bastard that he was.

Hanji had warned him that depression was as serious of a condition as any, taken lightly by so many people who could never understand what a real struggle it was.

Levi  _knew_. He may have not experienced it on his own skin, screwing his mind like it was doing with Eren’s, but he could  _see_ it. See it in the way it hit at random times, when his lover would suddenly tense up in his embrace or wear this tormented look before masking it with a well-practiced smile whenever they were out. In those moments, Levi would gently take Eren’s hand and give him a reassuring look before bringing him home and letting his mind have a bit of peace, surrounded by their familiar, cozy walls.

He never failed to say him how much he loved him, never pondered much on it before filling him up with compliments and reassurances and all the things Levi knew would make him happy when his ears were open enough to hear the truth. Because he was beautiful and radiant and so full of life and projects for the future -and that made seeing him struggle because of his insecurities and fears and self-judgmental thoughts even more.

Eren love life but hated himself with a passion that scared Levi to death and made him want to protect him from whatever distorted vision of himself he had.

He couldn’t do that. In order to get stronger, the choice resided in Eren and Eren alone.

But Levi would be there every step of the way.


End file.
